I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow
for my Golden Retriever at my local grocery store and was
about to check out. A woman behind me asked
if I had a dog? On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have
a dog, and that I was starting the "Purina
Diet" again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd
ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect
diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets
with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. (I
have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was
by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me .....
I told her NO; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both !
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard !
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
***************
Why did the blonde resolve to
have only 3 children?
She heard that one out of every
four children born in the world was Chinese.
***************
Did you hear about the near-tragedy
at the mall?
There was a power outage, and
twelve blondes were stuck on
the escalators for over four
hours.
*****************
A blonde was driving home after
a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her
car was covered with dents,
so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw
that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow
into the tail pipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got
down on her hands and knees
and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.
So she blew a little harder,
and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde,
came home and said, "What are
you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman
had instructed her to blow into
the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes
and said,
"Duh, like hello! You need
to roll up the windows first."
****************
A blonde went to an eye doctor
to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor
directed her to read various
letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on
which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust,
took a paper lunch bag with
a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye
and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming
down her face. "Look," said
the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting
glasses." "I know," agreed
the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
****************
A blonde was shopping at a Target
Store and came across a silver thermos. She was
quite fascinated by it, so she
picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "That's ! a
thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's
amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos
and took it to work the next
day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have
there?" he asked. "Why, that's
a thermos . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold," she replied. Her boss
inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles,
and some coffee".
***************
A man entered the bus with both
of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down
next to a beautiful (you guessed
it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and
his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued
to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to
contain her curiosity any longer,
asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
******************
Saved the Best for Last!
This has to be one of
the Best Blonde jokes around.
This should make all you technologically
challenged people feel GOOD:
A young man wanted to get his
beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first
wedding anniversary. So he decided
to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and
explained to her all of its
features. SUSIE was excited to receive the gift and simply
adored her new phone. The next
day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
astonishment, it was her husband
on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like
your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as
a bell,
but there's one thing I don't
understand though..." "What's that, sweetie?"
asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart
?"
If you're not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.
1.Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you???"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8 You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list!
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
You should forward this to anyone you can remember!!
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be a virgin if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector ; all he ever did was........... God, I miss him.
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED ! ."
Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....
1. Men are like ..Laxatives
...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather
Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ...Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate
Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials
....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores
. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ..Government
Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn They
satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms
.... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or
how long it will last.
12. Men are like .Lava Lamps
... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
catholic practices especially in the big cities among priests and some nuns ....
hmmmm ,,,, never so true!!!
Offered for laughs ONLY .... no intention to bad-mouth anyone's beliefs ....
a former catholic choirboy.
================
The Missing "R"
.
.
.
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned
to helping the other monks
in copying the old canons and laws of the church by
hand.
He notices, however, that all
of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out
that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never
be picked up ! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the
subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, " We have
been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my
son."
He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held
as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees
the old abbot . . .
So, the young monk gets worried
and goes down to look for him. He sees him
banging his head against the
wall and wailing.
"We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the R
! "
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot,
" What's wrong, father ? "
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, " The word was...
" C E L E B R A T E !!! "
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Syria Air 811 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Syria Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.
Pause...
Static...
Syria Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Syria Air 811?"
Syria Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY - GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.
Atlanta ATC: Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Be careful now and tell Allah "howdy" for us -- y'all hear?
********************************************************************************
One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
Plato Greek author & philosopher in Athens (427 BC - 347 BC)
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor,
"I may not be the smartest
tool in the shed, but I don't
see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to
help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
(you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed
the beer can between his legs
and continued counting on his
other hand.
This procedure also works in
Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas,
Mississippi, Missouri, Florida,
West Virginia and Washington DC.
Texans and Okies haven't figured it out yet ... its beyond their comprehension.
Pass it along to others ...
Three Things to Ponder:
1.
Cows
2.
The Constitution
3.
The Ten Commandments
Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone
else find it amazing that our
government can track a single
cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she
sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they also tracked her calves
their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them
a cow.
The Constitution
They keep talking about drafting
a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200
years, and we're not using it anymore.
The Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't
have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post
"Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall
Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates
a hostile work environment.
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." ( Insert EVIL LAUGH here ! )
A Mexican, an Iraqi,
and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol, and shoots the
glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are
so cheap we don't need to drink
with the same one twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed !
by this, drinks his beer, throws
into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass
to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't
need to drink with the same
one twice either."
The redneck girl, cool as a
cucumber, picks up her beer,
downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air,
whips out her .45, and shoots
the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting
it on the bar, and calling for
a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal
Mexicans and Arabs that we don't
have to drink with the same ones twice."
God Bless America !